Heckin’ Fantasy Power Rankings — Week 1

1. Stone (1–0)

Last week’s rank: 1 (▲0)

As always, Stone went against the grain with his draft, and 1 week in it’s paying dividends. His “Zero WR” strategy, aided by his decision to keep Calvin Ridley, did not live up to its name, as his receiving corps put in the best marks for his team. His other keeper in Tony Pollard also proved to be a smart decision, as he led stones RBs with 21. Top it off with some late round pickups and streaming options that showed up at the defense, kicker, and QB spots, and Stone’s team looks to be tough to stop. His only weaknesses can be found on his bench, as 2nd rounder Najee Harris underperformed, Tyler Lockett barely saw any touches, and Zeke is… well, Zeke. Stone’s nose for waivers (enhanced by a combination of Reddit, Twitter, and RedZone) makes me believe those issues will be fixed in the coming weeks.

Has: Big brain
Needs: More touches for Kittle

2. Perry (1–0)

Last week’s rank: 9 (▲7)

It’s time Perry renames his team to “Poseidon’s Players” after he rode into a victory on the backs of two Dolphins. The stack of Tua and Tyreek proved to be more than just a recipe for head trauma, combining for a monster 66 points. Perry’s perennial Nick Chubb pickup also showed to be effective, as the power back put up 127 yards from scrimmage to the tune of 14.7 points even without a TD. The rest of Perry’s starters were non-factors, but looking to his bench you’ll find a treasure trove of points he spared Ethan from enduring. Romeo Doubs and Breece Hall both benefited from Packers QBs (in one way or another), and Tyler Allgeier proved that when your QB is Desmond Ridder, you can be an RB1 even as a second stringer. Oh, and the Cowboys defense dropped 38 points. The only thing keeping Perry out of the number one spot is the lack of clear hierarchy, which can be fixed with a bounceback from Amari Cooper. If Doubs can repeat his performance, and Allgier and Hall can continue to produce from the second string, there’s no reason Perry can’t take the #1 spot in next week’s rankings.

Has: Aquatic life
Needs: Ability to predict who on his bench will go off

3. Nate (1–0)

Last week’s rank: 4 (▲1)

Nate was staring down a disastrous start to the season heading into Monday night, but Stefon Diggs didn’t get lost in the Sauce and as such Nate won’t have to play ketchup. Even without his target kicker, who would have added 13 points and cemented him in second place, Nate was able to clock the 4th highest score in a week where points were hard to come by. Nate has a whopping 6 players with ADPs in the top 36, and on paper his depth is hard to beat; but he’ll need a lot more out of his thin running back room in order to take a shot at the title. Nate had better hope Chris Olave can continue to be Derek Carr’s new Amari Cooper or Davante Adams, because so far his trade may have caused his one weakness. With that being said, Jacobs’ volume and Gibbs’ elite efficiency shows brighter days may be ahead for both of them, which means he will be Bing Chilling going into next week.

Has: Top talent
Needs: To decline trade offers from Ethan

4. Jacob (1–0)

Last week’s rank: 6 (▲2)

Luft came out of the draft with some big question marks at running back. I thought it would take an act of God to get a win with a backfield spearheaded by Dobbins and Swift; turns out, all it took was an act of Two Not-So-Wise Men (Ethan and Nate). Though he lost a nice performance by Chris Olave, Aaron Jones provided an absurd 24.9 point boost over D’Andre Swift, meaning the trade, through one week, netted him 18.5 points and a win. Despite clocking in the 2nd highest point total, some assistance from Perry and Nate (who went without a defense and kicker respectively) knocks him more realistically down to the 4th place spot, and some concerns with his team keep him off of this weeks’ podium. Chiefly among these is his ability to plug the gap of the second RB spot with Dobbins now out for the season. Zack Moss missed week 1, Seattle’s Charbonnet posed no risk to Kenneth Walker’s share of touches, and AJ Dillon, the best of the bunch, would only be useful if Jones went down. Lufty will likely look to the waiver wire this week to avoid starting any of those players, but bounce-backs from Josh Allen, AJ Brown, and Davante Adams could make up for whoever has to fill in.

Has: Wide Receivers
Needs: Nate to keep accepting 3-way trade offers from Ethan

5. Alex (1–0)

Last week’s rank: 2 (▼3)

Though he’s the first on this list to decline in the rankings, not all is bad for the Oakford Lake Boys. This team underperformed expectations, but people ask Alex what he’d do if he lost this week, and I guess we’ll never know. Alex’s team doesn’t have many holes at the moment: Justin Herbert has all the tools and weapons to put up a Burrow-like season, Derrick Henry is a proven workhorse, Amon-Ra St. Brown is an elite keeper, and his depth is nothing to scoff at. His worst two starters may have combined for -1.1, but Likely is just a fill in for the “next Kelce” in Mark Andrews who will return soon, and kickers can easily be streamed. Looking to his bench, Alex has tons of decent pieces, and players like Brian Robinson and DeAndre Hopkins could easily prove to be in the coveted “would start on another team”-tier. Two causes for concern keep Alex from jumping over those who could have just had luckier weeks: first, Garrett Wilson is likely going to be handicapped yet again by QB play with Aaron Rodgers out for the season. Last season, this caused him to max out at 26 points and break 20 only thrice, which isn’t ideal for someone whose ADP accounted for his game-breaker potential. Second, it was only Henry and Hopkins who saw top-tier volume this week, and due to the paltry supporting cast those two have, it didn’t reflect fully in their point totals. But the talent on this team has potential to easily bring Alex back among the top contenders in the league with a luckier week.

Has: League winners at every position
Needs: to let go and admit Graham Gano is washed

6. Paxton (0–1)

Last week’s rank: 7 (▲1)

Depth is for losers. Paxton’s team is a tale of two rosters: one which has 4 game breakers line up next to each other ready to make you cry when they all drop 30 each in the same week, and one which might combine for 30 on a good week. Diontae Johnson, Tyler Boyd, and Evan Hull can be chalked up to bad luck, but Elijah Mitchell and JSN look, through one week, like they’re going to see a lot fewer touchers than many were predicting. Samaje Perine is a surprise bright spot, and though 9.8 doesn’t sound like a bright spot, I’ll admit it’s more than I was expecting out of the player I thought would handicap this team the most. Unfortunately for Paxton this week, Jaylen Waddle simply didn’t see enough targets due to teammate Tyreek Hill amassing 210 yards, and Jamarr Chase was at the mercy of bad weather, a good Browns defense (???) and Joe Burrow putting up his worst ever fantasy performance. Brighter days for those two, along with an easier run defense for Stevenson to run on and Mahomes’ favorite target returning, ought to allow Paxton to bounce back.

Has: The coveted Butker-Mahomes stack
Needs: Depth. A lot of it.

7. Tim (0–1)

Last week’s rank: 3 (▼4)

Much like a scientist whose life’s work was proving Einstein wrong about the existence of black holes, Tim proved that any amount of research can be dashed in an instant. The deicision to ditch AJ Brown and 1.08, 2.03, 3.02 in favor of Travis Kelce and Justin Jefferson has yet to pay off thanks to Kelce’s injury, but it seems the bigger issue so far was the ElastiGirl-esque reach for Jahan Dotson (who likely would have fallen to him in the next round) over Michael Pittman. This Nobel Prize-winning move was based on a video by an analyst who, in a separate ranking, had Pittman ranked above Dotson. Genius. Somehow worse than that (so far) was the decision to keep Burrow over Brandon Aiyuk. With the rain and Burrow’s history of starting off poorly, there’s a very solid chance he comes back to normal from this career-worst performance, and it could be a blessing in disguise that Burrow’s worst coincided with Kelce being out. Though he sits at position 8, Tim’s team has some upside that could get him back in the top 5 come week 2. Justin Jefferson is still a target and yard machine, Etienne looked like a true every-down back, and late round pickup Roschon Johnson could provide crucial depth doing forward.

Has: Two absolute homerun hitters
Needs: To not treat them like the Angels treat Trout and Ohtani

8. Bryce (0–1)

Last week’s rank: 8 (▲0)

We all saw it coming, none of us more than Bryce. But despite his second best player going down, the Boncos Risk Warning System should only be at a 2 out of 5 (blue on the Smokey the Bear scale). Bryce picked up young stud Jordan Addison and Tim’s leftovers in Michael Pittman, both of whom sat on his bench but could have easily replaced the guy who even the Chiefs didn’t want. Christian McCaffrey is still a stud and Alexander Mattison is looking like he can pick up where Dalvin Cook left off (at least in terms of volume). There’s no reason to believe Lamar can’t shake the rust off and return to his status as a fantasy must-have, and Joe Mixon just needs to not be held back by a horrendous offensive outing to be an excellent RB2. This squad can easily hold down the fort while waiting for Kupp to return. Bryce should rename his team to prevent a self fulfilling prophrecy, and other players should reject all trade offers for Broncos players because it’s absolutely possible for Bryce to peak at the right time and make a push for the playoffs.

Has: Ethan trade bait (Koo)
Needs: To make peace with God

9. Erik (0–1)

Last week’s rank: 5 (▼4)

In a bold move, Erik decided to run back last year’s 5–8 squad, with Kenneth Walker III, Ceedee Lamb, Tee Higgins, Austin Ekeler, and Drake London all returning to his roster. Though Lamb, Ekeler, and Walker all seem like smart pickups, Higgins and London combined for a whopping 0.0 points in week 1. Higgins at least had 8 targets, but London’s measly 1 looked more like my statline from flag football than that of a 4th round pick. On the bright side, Erik can immediately patch up his Prescott woes with rookie pickup Richardson who looked to be worthy of a starting role in a 10-man league, and Lions running back David Montgomery looks like a nice volume-getter (for now). Next week Higgins won’t have to deal with every 20-something woman’s biggest fantasy (a wet Joe Burrow), and Ceedee might have to actually play from behind, which could prevent Erik from dropping another league-low point total. But to make it back into the playoff mix, Erik will likely need to look outside of his current roster.

Has: A wet Tee
Needs: Someone to clock more than 4 catches in this half PPR league.

10. Ethan (0–1)

Last week’s rank: 10 (▲0)

Facts don’t care about your feelings, liberal; Ethan made the top half of fantasy scorers this week. And if it weren’t for Paxton’s perfect week, Eth would be the top manager, leaving only 3 points on the bench. So why’s he so low? Well, considering his bench put up a whopping 14.8 combined, it wasn’t hard to be that efficient, and in a low scoring week 1 where every offense seemed rusty, raw points doesn’t tell the whole story. Ethan’s woes consist of a WR2 competition that looks about as good as a foot race between me and Stone immediately after he dislocated his knee (Stone still wins), a flex option who took 22 tries to get 29 yards, a tight end who got 0 points and is directly competing with Ethan’s own WR1 for targets, and a backup RB room consisting of D’Andre Swift (1 carry, 2 targets, 0.8 points) and Alvin Kamara (sus). If Michael Thomas stays healthy, his most recent trade could majorly help out his struggling WR corps, and the combination of Bijan, Devonta, and Fields — though unconventional — is nothing to scoff at. He faces an uphill battle the rest of the season, but as we know, he’s willing to make moves to get out of it.

Has: College heroes
Needs: An intervention